Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Netflix: We have Less
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?