My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Always a housemaid, never a house.