Always a housemaid, never a house.
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
it be like that
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars