Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.