can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!