Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😏😏😏

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

What a year we’ve had this week.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

I think we should hear other voices.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Lmfaoooooo

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.