3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Every time.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.