Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close