For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
You Might Also Like
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Try and stop me.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost