Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
This is hilarious….
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.