Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT