Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
i meant to share this earlier
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
