Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.