If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Natural selection at its finest
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross