I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho