PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
RT if you could go either way.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
where the womens at?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
they really do be looking like this
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
S/o to @funTweeters .
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich