I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Ah..makes sense now
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
