I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
road rage
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Beware of the dog..
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
me and my fake scenarios
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Auto correct is my worst enema.