Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”