I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
“Who referred you to us?”
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
[hole opens in the ground]