i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen