Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men