this is what they would have looked like, though
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Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Thursday
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
You have been warned.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤