There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems