Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Now this is how you LinkedIn
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.