Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
True
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I hate everything
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?