Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.