My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
me
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
multitasking lunch
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.