The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me too
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.