The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.