Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.