Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
You Might Also Like
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”