Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Yup
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.