ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Writing, She Murdered.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*