I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better