So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.