righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.