Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I really had high hopes for this year though
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My dating profile:
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk