I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button