What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
New comic up. “Ransom”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!