@Dawn_M_
@sofarrsogud 3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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@sofarrsogud 
@bewgtweets *Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
@batkaren Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
@Marlebean Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
@ristolable Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
@i_Lean Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
@thenoahkinsey SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
@_radsy [begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
@KeetPotato [a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
@RickAaron No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.