Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
first you must answer his riddles
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.