@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

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@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@bewgtweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@batkaren

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

@Marlebean

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

@ristolable

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

@i_Lean

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@_radsy

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

@KeetPotato

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

@RickAaron

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.