BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.