in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.