When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
eggs benadryl
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home