Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero