Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Something Saturday.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.