people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.