You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
PARKOUR
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off