Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Got ya covered
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache