I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Don’t we all.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
hmm conte-me mais
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
What a kind woman! 😂😂
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
not to brag, but mine was free
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War