Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you