you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Wait a second…
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last