Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago