@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

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@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@LindiweKasonde

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@onthemauve

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

@dmc1138

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

@iwearaonesie

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

@DagFizz

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

@MatCro

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

@fro_vo

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

@tlemco

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.