Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Sorry not sorry.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Mood.. 😂