replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Barbie gone wild
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
🔦🌙👣
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE