If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
still the best tweet of the year by far
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.