What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5