Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
This is the best one I’ve seen
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Gemma Correll
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step