*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Don’t touch that.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Venn
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
put ‘er there pardner!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot