If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
ok like just. call me at this point
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest